Juggling act for working mums
Publication: NSUNT
Date of publication: Mar 17, 2013
Section heading: Main Section
Page number: 032
Byline / Author: By Audrey Vijaindren
PARENTHOOD: The Grant Thornton International Business Report recently revealed that Malaysia has the highest number of women in the workforce, compared with other Asean countries. While this is great for the country's economy, balancing work and home life leaves many mothers feeling guilty about their commitment to being a good parent. Audrey Vijaindren talks to women who are wearing multiple hats.
SHOULD you let your child have a pacifier? Are you cooking healthy meals for your family? How much time do you spend reading to your kids?
Working mums battle with these questions every day, especially when unwanted advice from "supermums" are thrown their way.
In a study of 2,000 women, conducted by United Kingdom-based babycare company NUK, 90 per cent admitted to feeling guilty for being too busy and not earning enough money to meet their children's needs.
More than 70 per cent of mums surveyed said they constantly worried whether they're a good mother, while more than a fifth were wracked by guilt "most" or "all of the time".
Phang Sze Sze, 38, who blogs on Seven2SevenMom says "mummy guilt" is common among Asian women, especially Malaysian mothers.
"Many mums spend between 10 and 12 hours a day at work, so it's quite natural to experience such feelings.
"Most are forced to miss out on growth milestones of their babies, or compromise on other motherly duties, such as preparing meals and attending school activities.
"Not only do they worry about childcare issues while they're away, but there are also only few hours left in the evenings to catch up on lost time when they get home.
"On top of that they also have to keep up with household chores, children's school activities, care for their kids' social and emotional wellbeing, and not to mention ensuring their husbands get some tender, loving care as well.
"Some employers have weekend work policies which make matters worse because mothers have to miss out on family outings."
She believes there's an urgent need for employers to include family-friendly policies for the simple reason to retain talents within the organisation.
"I've met many working mums who are just as committed and talented as singles, if not more, but have to quit because it's difficult to strike a balance.
"It need not be elaborate, but allowances for workplace childcare, half-day off policies to tend to sick children, and sufficient paternity and maternity leave, would greatly help ease the burdens of working mothers," says the mother of three, who's also a senior marketing and communications manager.
Working mothers, she says, shouldn't be ashamed of getting help if they can afford it.
"A trustworthy maid or parental help is sometimes crucial to ensure the sanity of a working mother. Through the years, I've had my late mother-in-law and a few maids in between who were a blessing.
"I don't think one is overly pampered if the line of responsibility is drawn clearly from the start. For example, a maid can be a babysitter when mum needs to go to work.
"However, to rely on the maid to take on the mother's role when the mum comes back from work is a different story altogether.
"It's been said that a child's character can be shaped before the age of 5. So coach, guide and leave a strong heritage of moral values and loving memories by being there for them as much as possible."
Kids don't need parents around 24/7
SUPPORT groups allow like-minded mothers to be of great encouragement to each other, says life coach Sharmini Hensen.
"Forums and support groups can be a real boost to working mothers, especially new ones. However, the tendency is that when you get together, everyone compares and gripes.
"These groups should be about sharing experiences and enriching new mums with lessons learnt along the way. Discussions should be about the freedom to explore, rather than to impose.
"In such circles, mothers should try to avoid giving advice. Instead, they should focus on sharing what they've done with their kids and see whether that fits the other person.
"It would also help to have a simple methodology on how the group is going to be run, and it should be moderated by someone with no biases or agenda."
Hensen believes Malaysian mothers unnecessarily worry about other people's expectations.
"Often times we put too much pressure on ourselves. When we don't reach up to societal expectations, we feel guilty and ashamed.
"But today's woman is more proactive about learning and growth. We're exploring the world. This means we can't always fulfil the expectations of taking care of our family's every meal.
"It's about time we stopped fixating on the idea that it has to be the man who works and woman who stays home.
"Unfortunately, that shift of roles is probably the reason there are more divorce cases.
"Some husbands find it unreasonable when wives are too exhausted to fulfil traditional expectations of a homemaker, causing irreconcilable differences.
"Anyway, children are quite resilient. They don't want their parents hanging around them all the time. And if you want to raise a 21st century child, you need him or her to know that their mum is going to work and be successful.
"Mothers are very privileged because they're going to be their child's best role model. We're setting an example for our kids because they're watching us every single day.
"At some point women will stop feeling guilty for working, but that can only happen when there's a proper support structure.
"Right now we are exploring new frontiers, trying and testing. It's a life that we should all seek, where parents have equal opportunity to be the best they deem fit."
In a working environment, mothers should learn to stand up for their rights and values, Hensen adds.
"If you say that you're not going to work donkey hours just to fulfil a silent criteria, companies will listen. If you make that stand, you'll make that shift.
"It's already happening in countries like Denmark and Norway.
"In the end, there's no point blaming organisations because they're not the boss of your life - you are.
"Personally, I treat my children as my two most important clients, I always keep my appointments with them.
"After all, why am I working? It's to provide a better life for them, which includes me in it."
MOTHER KNOWS BEST...
KAVITHA THAVANAYAGAM, 30, Industrial relations manager, mother of one
"Every morning as I walk out the door, my little one's grip tightens around my neck. It's painful to pass her to her waiting grandmother who tries every trick in the book to divert her attention while I get into the car and blow her a kiss. Eventually, she'll give me a peck on the cheek before she lets go.
"Returning back to work has been one of the most heart-pricking decisions I've had to make and live with. The same question rings in my head every morning as I drive to work, `Am I a good mum?' Guilt haunts me every day as I feel that my daughter needs the most attention from me at this developing stage and yet I'm not there.
"But I remind myself not to be overwhelmed by guilt but instead enjoy every precious moment, even if it means skipping social outings, pampering sessions at the beauty parlour or tea with a friend. Every evening I look forward to being greeted by my daughter who calls out `Amma' the moment she sees me from a distance."
MAZIDAH ABDUL RAHMAN, 35, Engineer, mother of one
"I dread packing my luggage for business trips as it means leaving my baby girl, Jasmine, with my husband, mum or in-laws, for a week or more. Though I make it a point to `face-time' with her every evening, it breaks my heart to see her so close yet so far, and I miss cuddling her to sleep every night. I fear that every time I reach home she won't want me to hold her. I'm glad that it's never happened because it would be the worst day of my life.
"It's not that I've never thought of giving up my career, but that's not the most feasible choice at the moment. I'm utterly grateful that the company I work for encourages work-life balance, such as having the option of working from home and practising flexi-hours. Nevertheless, that can never top the feeling of seeing her big smile and hearing her giggles at the end of every hectic weekday."
CLAIRE KWOK, 30, Executive, soon-to-be mother
"I've been juggling a day job and also running an online clothing website for the past two years. Due to my passion for fashion, it was never a challenge until my pregnancy. Now even though my baby has not arrived, it worries me to think that I'll eventually have to split myself five ways to make time for my baby, husband, family, business and day job.
"Without a doubt my baby will be priority once he arrives, but I do feel guilty for even planning my return to work and business once my maternity leave is over, especially having to leave him with the domestic helper while I'm at work.
"People often make passing comments that `baby should be priority', and that I should `let go of either my business or day job', but it's easier said than done.
"Nevertheless, motherhood calls for sacrifices and I have to prepare myself to work harder when the time comes. I'm sure at the end of it all, the journey will be very much worth it."
ELLAINE LEW, 36, full-time mother of one
"It's been three months since I've become a full-time mother. In the beginning, I thought it would be easy and stress-free. I wouldn't have to worry about what I would wear every morning to work, being stuck in traffic for an hour or handling work stress.
"But for the past three months, I have learnt that it's a challenging job, accomplishments are also not so easily measured. It requires a lot of commitment, planning, tolerance and patience.
"There have been numerous sacrifices, such as having to give up my favourite job, movie plans and going out for intimate dinners with my husband.
"But the sacrifices I've made are worth it because I'd be the one to love and teach my daughter about life. I'd also be privileged to witness her 'firsts', like crawling, walking and riding a bike.
"There are some benefits for me as well, such as taking time during her naps to exercise and keep myself healthy. I'm also planning to work on some of my hobbies, like reading, baking, sewing and cooking.
"When I feel stressed, I just look into my daughter's eyes or listen to her babble silly stories to her favourite toy."
Date of publication: Mar 17, 2013
Section heading: Main Section
Page number: 032
Byline / Author: By Audrey Vijaindren
PARENTHOOD: The Grant Thornton International Business Report recently revealed that Malaysia has the highest number of women in the workforce, compared with other Asean countries. While this is great for the country's economy, balancing work and home life leaves many mothers feeling guilty about their commitment to being a good parent. Audrey Vijaindren talks to women who are wearing multiple hats.
SHOULD you let your child have a pacifier? Are you cooking healthy meals for your family? How much time do you spend reading to your kids?
Working mums battle with these questions every day, especially when unwanted advice from "supermums" are thrown their way.
In a study of 2,000 women, conducted by United Kingdom-based babycare company NUK, 90 per cent admitted to feeling guilty for being too busy and not earning enough money to meet their children's needs.
More than 70 per cent of mums surveyed said they constantly worried whether they're a good mother, while more than a fifth were wracked by guilt "most" or "all of the time".
Phang Sze Sze, 38, who blogs on Seven2SevenMom says "mummy guilt" is common among Asian women, especially Malaysian mothers.
"Many mums spend between 10 and 12 hours a day at work, so it's quite natural to experience such feelings.
"Most are forced to miss out on growth milestones of their babies, or compromise on other motherly duties, such as preparing meals and attending school activities.
"Not only do they worry about childcare issues while they're away, but there are also only few hours left in the evenings to catch up on lost time when they get home.
"On top of that they also have to keep up with household chores, children's school activities, care for their kids' social and emotional wellbeing, and not to mention ensuring their husbands get some tender, loving care as well.
"Some employers have weekend work policies which make matters worse because mothers have to miss out on family outings."
She believes there's an urgent need for employers to include family-friendly policies for the simple reason to retain talents within the organisation.
"I've met many working mums who are just as committed and talented as singles, if not more, but have to quit because it's difficult to strike a balance.
"It need not be elaborate, but allowances for workplace childcare, half-day off policies to tend to sick children, and sufficient paternity and maternity leave, would greatly help ease the burdens of working mothers," says the mother of three, who's also a senior marketing and communications manager.
Working mothers, she says, shouldn't be ashamed of getting help if they can afford it.
"A trustworthy maid or parental help is sometimes crucial to ensure the sanity of a working mother. Through the years, I've had my late mother-in-law and a few maids in between who were a blessing.
"I don't think one is overly pampered if the line of responsibility is drawn clearly from the start. For example, a maid can be a babysitter when mum needs to go to work.
"However, to rely on the maid to take on the mother's role when the mum comes back from work is a different story altogether.
"It's been said that a child's character can be shaped before the age of 5. So coach, guide and leave a strong heritage of moral values and loving memories by being there for them as much as possible."
Kids don't need parents around 24/7
SUPPORT groups allow like-minded mothers to be of great encouragement to each other, says life coach Sharmini Hensen.
"Forums and support groups can be a real boost to working mothers, especially new ones. However, the tendency is that when you get together, everyone compares and gripes.
"These groups should be about sharing experiences and enriching new mums with lessons learnt along the way. Discussions should be about the freedom to explore, rather than to impose.
"In such circles, mothers should try to avoid giving advice. Instead, they should focus on sharing what they've done with their kids and see whether that fits the other person.
"It would also help to have a simple methodology on how the group is going to be run, and it should be moderated by someone with no biases or agenda."
Hensen believes Malaysian mothers unnecessarily worry about other people's expectations.
"Often times we put too much pressure on ourselves. When we don't reach up to societal expectations, we feel guilty and ashamed.
"But today's woman is more proactive about learning and growth. We're exploring the world. This means we can't always fulfil the expectations of taking care of our family's every meal.
"It's about time we stopped fixating on the idea that it has to be the man who works and woman who stays home.
"Unfortunately, that shift of roles is probably the reason there are more divorce cases.
"Some husbands find it unreasonable when wives are too exhausted to fulfil traditional expectations of a homemaker, causing irreconcilable differences.
"Anyway, children are quite resilient. They don't want their parents hanging around them all the time. And if you want to raise a 21st century child, you need him or her to know that their mum is going to work and be successful.
"Mothers are very privileged because they're going to be their child's best role model. We're setting an example for our kids because they're watching us every single day.
"At some point women will stop feeling guilty for working, but that can only happen when there's a proper support structure.
"Right now we are exploring new frontiers, trying and testing. It's a life that we should all seek, where parents have equal opportunity to be the best they deem fit."
In a working environment, mothers should learn to stand up for their rights and values, Hensen adds.
"If you say that you're not going to work donkey hours just to fulfil a silent criteria, companies will listen. If you make that stand, you'll make that shift.
"It's already happening in countries like Denmark and Norway.
"In the end, there's no point blaming organisations because they're not the boss of your life - you are.
"Personally, I treat my children as my two most important clients, I always keep my appointments with them.
"After all, why am I working? It's to provide a better life for them, which includes me in it."
MOTHER KNOWS BEST...
KAVITHA THAVANAYAGAM, 30, Industrial relations manager, mother of one
"Every morning as I walk out the door, my little one's grip tightens around my neck. It's painful to pass her to her waiting grandmother who tries every trick in the book to divert her attention while I get into the car and blow her a kiss. Eventually, she'll give me a peck on the cheek before she lets go.
"Returning back to work has been one of the most heart-pricking decisions I've had to make and live with. The same question rings in my head every morning as I drive to work, `Am I a good mum?' Guilt haunts me every day as I feel that my daughter needs the most attention from me at this developing stage and yet I'm not there.
"But I remind myself not to be overwhelmed by guilt but instead enjoy every precious moment, even if it means skipping social outings, pampering sessions at the beauty parlour or tea with a friend. Every evening I look forward to being greeted by my daughter who calls out `Amma' the moment she sees me from a distance."
MAZIDAH ABDUL RAHMAN, 35, Engineer, mother of one
"I dread packing my luggage for business trips as it means leaving my baby girl, Jasmine, with my husband, mum or in-laws, for a week or more. Though I make it a point to `face-time' with her every evening, it breaks my heart to see her so close yet so far, and I miss cuddling her to sleep every night. I fear that every time I reach home she won't want me to hold her. I'm glad that it's never happened because it would be the worst day of my life.
"It's not that I've never thought of giving up my career, but that's not the most feasible choice at the moment. I'm utterly grateful that the company I work for encourages work-life balance, such as having the option of working from home and practising flexi-hours. Nevertheless, that can never top the feeling of seeing her big smile and hearing her giggles at the end of every hectic weekday."
CLAIRE KWOK, 30, Executive, soon-to-be mother
"I've been juggling a day job and also running an online clothing website for the past two years. Due to my passion for fashion, it was never a challenge until my pregnancy. Now even though my baby has not arrived, it worries me to think that I'll eventually have to split myself five ways to make time for my baby, husband, family, business and day job.
"Without a doubt my baby will be priority once he arrives, but I do feel guilty for even planning my return to work and business once my maternity leave is over, especially having to leave him with the domestic helper while I'm at work.
"People often make passing comments that `baby should be priority', and that I should `let go of either my business or day job', but it's easier said than done.
"Nevertheless, motherhood calls for sacrifices and I have to prepare myself to work harder when the time comes. I'm sure at the end of it all, the journey will be very much worth it."
ELLAINE LEW, 36, full-time mother of one
"It's been three months since I've become a full-time mother. In the beginning, I thought it would be easy and stress-free. I wouldn't have to worry about what I would wear every morning to work, being stuck in traffic for an hour or handling work stress.
"But for the past three months, I have learnt that it's a challenging job, accomplishments are also not so easily measured. It requires a lot of commitment, planning, tolerance and patience.
"There have been numerous sacrifices, such as having to give up my favourite job, movie plans and going out for intimate dinners with my husband.
"But the sacrifices I've made are worth it because I'd be the one to love and teach my daughter about life. I'd also be privileged to witness her 'firsts', like crawling, walking and riding a bike.
"There are some benefits for me as well, such as taking time during her naps to exercise and keep myself healthy. I'm also planning to work on some of my hobbies, like reading, baking, sewing and cooking.
"When I feel stressed, I just look into my daughter's eyes or listen to her babble silly stories to her favourite toy."
