Is it better being single?
Publication: NSUNT
Date of publication: May 27, 2012
Section heading: Main Section
Page number: 026
Byline / Author: By Audrey Vijaindren
ONE'S CHOICE: It was recently reported that more than 2.5 million Malaysians above the age of 25 are still single, mainly because of financial problems and the lack of suitable partners. Audrey Vijaindren investigates whether the trend of being single is a healthy one.
More than 60 per cent of Malaysian bachelors listed financial problems as their main reason for not tying the knot, while women blamed the lack of suitable partners as a stumbling block to wedded bliss.
Some claim they were happier single. Could these lads and lasses have it right? Could singlehood be the answer to living longer and happier lives?
In one of the longest-running studies on longevity, which began in 1921 with more than 1,000 11-year-olds, scientists found that the people who lived the longest were those who stayed single and those who married and stayed married.
Men and women who divorced, or who divorced and remarried, tended to have shorter lives. It was consistency, not marriage, that mattered.
There's definitely a growing trend for Malaysians to put off marriage till they're in their early or mid-30s, says dating agency Lunch Actually and Eteract.com chief executive officer and co-founder Violet Lim.
"In the past, most Malaysians would be married by the time they reached their mid-20s. But today, most people only tie the knot in their late 20s or early 30s. There are also many who are not even married in their mid-30s.
"This is mainly because people tend to focus a lot on their career. Most work long hours and do not have the time or the opportunity to meet other like-minded singles.
"In the past, they could rely on friends to introduce other friends to them. However, these days, their friends may have run out of people to introduce them to. Their friends may also be too focused on their own young family.
"Also in the past, women might see marriage as a way for financial support. Hence, they might marry earlier. However, today, most women are financially independent."
Although Deputy Women, Family and Community Development Minister Datuk Heng Seai Kie said the ministry viewed the issue seriously, it had no plans to start an online dating service.
Lim believes that professional dating services may be necessary for those who want to get married but need a little help.
"Due to their busy and hectic work life, it is more convenient for them to outsource their social life to professionals like us, as we do all the work for them, from per-screening to matching and arranging the date. They just need to turn up at the restaurant and enjoy the date.
"Also, when people use an agency, they are assured that the people whom they are being matched with are also people who are seriously seeking love. If they were to meet someone at a bar or a club, they do not know whether this person is even single in the first place, and also what the person's motives are.
"When we go through the matching process, it is a mutual match, meaning the person whom one is meeting has 60 to 70 per cent of what they are looking for. Hence, when they meet up, it is only a matter of whether they have 'chemistry' with one another.
"Some people work in very gender-specific industries, such as teachers and engineers.
"For instance, if you are a teacher, chances are most of your colleagues are female, and if you are an engineer, most of your colleagues are male.
"Hence, it is easier to go through agencies which have a wide and pre-screened database of singles."
If financial constraints is the reason to not settle down, "naked marriages" may be the answer, she says.
"I've heard of some young couples who are finding it difficult to settle down because of rising property prices, expensive wedding banquets and rising cost of living. In this case, it is a matter of both parties lowering their expectations.
"For example, in China, there's a trend to have a 'naked marriage'. What it means is that couples get married despite not having a house, wedding banquet or even an expensive ring.
"They just need to start out small, like our grandparents and parents -- renting a room instead of a owning a place, bootstrapping and making a life together."
One's happiness and longevity doesn't depend on marital status. It depends 100 per cent on self, according to life coach Sharmini Hensen.
"Poet and author Henry David Thoreau, said, 'Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder'. I think it works too when you are looking for love.
"The ability to be happy is within you. And when you are happy, regardless of being single or married, you are destined to be happy and will naturally create happiness around you.
"It's a misconception that falling in love and getting married will give anyone the much sought-after 'happily ever after'. When you are happy, you will most likely meet a mate who's also happy."
However, single people are generally happier than married people, Hensen believes.
"It is simpler to be happy when you are single because oftentimes, our greatest pain is caused by relationships.
"And when you are single, you have the choice whether or not to face that pain.
"Most single people have had bad relationships in the past. They are still carrying the hurt and are unable to heal and forgive. Staying single is a way of medicating the pain of betrayal and lost love. This may be an easier coping mechanism but does not resolve the source of the problem."
She says more and more Malaysian men and women choose to be single or marry later in life because matrimony is no longer a necessity.
"Unlike our grandparents or their parents before them, we no longer have to marry to survive, to have a roof over our heads and food on our table. We provide basic needs for ourselves very well.
"Therefore, our reasons to marry are more complex; we desire partners who'll meet us on every level to create a fulfilling and nurturing relationship.
"We want to experience the love, passion, joy and bliss of being with our soulmates. Moreover, most of us are not in a hurry to settle for less because we can happily take care of ourselves while waiting for our match."
The fairytale of "happily ever after" may not exist after all, she says.
"The truth is, marriage is not a bed of roses - the thorns do hurt. When entering into a marriage, we need to realise that our partner may cause us our greatest pain."
Married couples without children are happiest
Q & A with Shine Guidance centre director and consultant clinical psychologist Dr Alvin Ng Lai Oon
Question: In your opinion, are single people happier than married people?
Answer: Not necessarily. Research has found that married people in general tend to be happier than single people.
Married people have been found to be twice more likely than single people to be generally happy. Moreover, married people were found more likely to be healthier, live longer and be successful, with less likelihood of mental illness and self-destructive activities, such as alcoholism and smoking.
However, there are many happy single people, too. Some of the happiest people around the world are unmarried and not in any romantic relationships.
Question: What contributes to one's happiness?
Answer: Professor Dan Gilbert, a prominent psychologist in the United States, found that happiness has a lot to do with the quality of social relationships. So basically, he is saying that marriage does not necessarily make you happy, but happy marriages make you happy.
He also found that couples without children tend to be the happiest, as the introduction of a young child sees a great drop in happiness, unlike what many people think.
Question: Do you believe that marriage is no longer a necessity?
Answer: With regard to being single, marriage has become more of a social choice than necessity compared to a generation ago.
This is something that Malaysia is seeing more, as from 2010 to last year, divorce cases have more than doubled.
As Gilbert suggested, an unhappy marriage would also lead to misery. Research has also shown that divorce brings happiness to those unhappy in marriage.
Basically, given many factors of happiness, don't rely on marriage as the main determinant of your happiness, for there is no guarantee. Learn to understand happiness from a spiritual standpoint as it has been found to be more lasting and deep.
Question: Is there a concern if more and more Malaysians choose to marry late or never at all?
Answer: In general, the Malaysian population is ageing, with a drop in birth rates. Whether this is a problem or not, it's for the economist to answer.
Given the competition for schools and jobs, perhaps it would be all right to have fewer children. However, if marriage is something that brings mental wellness, then it would also facilitate productivity in individuals which would help the nation grow better.
Malaysians are also getting more urbanised and competition for jobs has increased, making earning income more difficult, hence contributing to later marriages.
This makes the idea of marriage less associated with happiness but more with being pragmatic.
Date of publication: May 27, 2012
Section heading: Main Section
Page number: 026
Byline / Author: By Audrey Vijaindren
ONE'S CHOICE: It was recently reported that more than 2.5 million Malaysians above the age of 25 are still single, mainly because of financial problems and the lack of suitable partners. Audrey Vijaindren investigates whether the trend of being single is a healthy one.
More than 60 per cent of Malaysian bachelors listed financial problems as their main reason for not tying the knot, while women blamed the lack of suitable partners as a stumbling block to wedded bliss.
Some claim they were happier single. Could these lads and lasses have it right? Could singlehood be the answer to living longer and happier lives?
In one of the longest-running studies on longevity, which began in 1921 with more than 1,000 11-year-olds, scientists found that the people who lived the longest were those who stayed single and those who married and stayed married.
Men and women who divorced, or who divorced and remarried, tended to have shorter lives. It was consistency, not marriage, that mattered.
There's definitely a growing trend for Malaysians to put off marriage till they're in their early or mid-30s, says dating agency Lunch Actually and Eteract.com chief executive officer and co-founder Violet Lim.
"In the past, most Malaysians would be married by the time they reached their mid-20s. But today, most people only tie the knot in their late 20s or early 30s. There are also many who are not even married in their mid-30s.
"This is mainly because people tend to focus a lot on their career. Most work long hours and do not have the time or the opportunity to meet other like-minded singles.
"In the past, they could rely on friends to introduce other friends to them. However, these days, their friends may have run out of people to introduce them to. Their friends may also be too focused on their own young family.
"Also in the past, women might see marriage as a way for financial support. Hence, they might marry earlier. However, today, most women are financially independent."
Although Deputy Women, Family and Community Development Minister Datuk Heng Seai Kie said the ministry viewed the issue seriously, it had no plans to start an online dating service.
Lim believes that professional dating services may be necessary for those who want to get married but need a little help.
"Due to their busy and hectic work life, it is more convenient for them to outsource their social life to professionals like us, as we do all the work for them, from per-screening to matching and arranging the date. They just need to turn up at the restaurant and enjoy the date.
"Also, when people use an agency, they are assured that the people whom they are being matched with are also people who are seriously seeking love. If they were to meet someone at a bar or a club, they do not know whether this person is even single in the first place, and also what the person's motives are.
"When we go through the matching process, it is a mutual match, meaning the person whom one is meeting has 60 to 70 per cent of what they are looking for. Hence, when they meet up, it is only a matter of whether they have 'chemistry' with one another.
"Some people work in very gender-specific industries, such as teachers and engineers.
"For instance, if you are a teacher, chances are most of your colleagues are female, and if you are an engineer, most of your colleagues are male.
"Hence, it is easier to go through agencies which have a wide and pre-screened database of singles."
If financial constraints is the reason to not settle down, "naked marriages" may be the answer, she says.
"I've heard of some young couples who are finding it difficult to settle down because of rising property prices, expensive wedding banquets and rising cost of living. In this case, it is a matter of both parties lowering their expectations.
"For example, in China, there's a trend to have a 'naked marriage'. What it means is that couples get married despite not having a house, wedding banquet or even an expensive ring.
"They just need to start out small, like our grandparents and parents -- renting a room instead of a owning a place, bootstrapping and making a life together."
One's happiness and longevity doesn't depend on marital status. It depends 100 per cent on self, according to life coach Sharmini Hensen.
"Poet and author Henry David Thoreau, said, 'Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder'. I think it works too when you are looking for love.
"The ability to be happy is within you. And when you are happy, regardless of being single or married, you are destined to be happy and will naturally create happiness around you.
"It's a misconception that falling in love and getting married will give anyone the much sought-after 'happily ever after'. When you are happy, you will most likely meet a mate who's also happy."
However, single people are generally happier than married people, Hensen believes.
"It is simpler to be happy when you are single because oftentimes, our greatest pain is caused by relationships.
"And when you are single, you have the choice whether or not to face that pain.
"Most single people have had bad relationships in the past. They are still carrying the hurt and are unable to heal and forgive. Staying single is a way of medicating the pain of betrayal and lost love. This may be an easier coping mechanism but does not resolve the source of the problem."
She says more and more Malaysian men and women choose to be single or marry later in life because matrimony is no longer a necessity.
"Unlike our grandparents or their parents before them, we no longer have to marry to survive, to have a roof over our heads and food on our table. We provide basic needs for ourselves very well.
"Therefore, our reasons to marry are more complex; we desire partners who'll meet us on every level to create a fulfilling and nurturing relationship.
"We want to experience the love, passion, joy and bliss of being with our soulmates. Moreover, most of us are not in a hurry to settle for less because we can happily take care of ourselves while waiting for our match."
The fairytale of "happily ever after" may not exist after all, she says.
"The truth is, marriage is not a bed of roses - the thorns do hurt. When entering into a marriage, we need to realise that our partner may cause us our greatest pain."
Married couples without children are happiest
Q & A with Shine Guidance centre director and consultant clinical psychologist Dr Alvin Ng Lai Oon
Question: In your opinion, are single people happier than married people?
Answer: Not necessarily. Research has found that married people in general tend to be happier than single people.
Married people have been found to be twice more likely than single people to be generally happy. Moreover, married people were found more likely to be healthier, live longer and be successful, with less likelihood of mental illness and self-destructive activities, such as alcoholism and smoking.
However, there are many happy single people, too. Some of the happiest people around the world are unmarried and not in any romantic relationships.
Question: What contributes to one's happiness?
Answer: Professor Dan Gilbert, a prominent psychologist in the United States, found that happiness has a lot to do with the quality of social relationships. So basically, he is saying that marriage does not necessarily make you happy, but happy marriages make you happy.
He also found that couples without children tend to be the happiest, as the introduction of a young child sees a great drop in happiness, unlike what many people think.
Question: Do you believe that marriage is no longer a necessity?
Answer: With regard to being single, marriage has become more of a social choice than necessity compared to a generation ago.
This is something that Malaysia is seeing more, as from 2010 to last year, divorce cases have more than doubled.
As Gilbert suggested, an unhappy marriage would also lead to misery. Research has also shown that divorce brings happiness to those unhappy in marriage.
Basically, given many factors of happiness, don't rely on marriage as the main determinant of your happiness, for there is no guarantee. Learn to understand happiness from a spiritual standpoint as it has been found to be more lasting and deep.
Question: Is there a concern if more and more Malaysians choose to marry late or never at all?
Answer: In general, the Malaysian population is ageing, with a drop in birth rates. Whether this is a problem or not, it's for the economist to answer.
Given the competition for schools and jobs, perhaps it would be all right to have fewer children. However, if marriage is something that brings mental wellness, then it would also facilitate productivity in individuals which would help the nation grow better.
Malaysians are also getting more urbanised and competition for jobs has increased, making earning income more difficult, hence contributing to later marriages.
This makes the idea of marriage less associated with happiness but more with being pragmatic.
